For ADHD support: click here 

To listen to the FULL Episode: click here

Thanks to Aethel for the theme song to our podcast “Fog and Fire” – to listen to the full song, you can find Aethel here on Spotify

Follow Out of the Fog:  

Facebook:  @outofthefog  

Instagram: @getoufofthefog  

TikTok: @getoutofthefog

The post What Helps People with ADHD? first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

I have always wanted to be a Mum. Right from when I was a teenager I can remember longing to have a baby. When I got married at 22, all that was on my mind was babies babies babies. It took a while to fall pregnant with my son, nearly a year. Trying to conceive him was stressful and I became absolutely obsessed with the process and convinced myself I wouldn’t be able to have children. Perhaps this is where my depression started. When I fell pregnant with him finally, I was absolutely estatic. Being pregnant was the most wonderful time of my life. There was so much hope and happiness and excitement, planning for this little life, what he would be like, what he would look like, every little detail. I have never been so happy or so secure within myself. I look back on my pregnancy with such fondness, even though it wasn’t all smooth sailing. I had my appendix out at 9 weeks pregnant, risking losing the baby, and from 36 weeks I got high blood pressure and borderline pre-eclampsia, which was a horrible experience to go through. But my beautiful little boy arrived 2 weeks early, the night before a planned induction.

My birth experience all in all was wonderful and I cried tears of joy when this amazing little being was placed into my arms. But the first few days in hospital were not as I expected. This beautiful little boy was rather grumpy because he had been pulled out with forceps and was bruised from head to toe. He screamed and screamed all of the time he was awake, and I had no idea what to do with him. Because he was so upset, he refused to feed. I had midwives and lactation consultants poking and prodding at me, and as a rather shy person who was not used to baring it all for the world to see, I found that experience humiliating. But we finally managed to get breastfeeding going, and were allowed to go home. The first week was a dream. I couldn’t believe how beautiful my baby boy was, took a million pictures, gazed at him sleeping, it was everything you imagine it would be.

But after the first week, something shifted. My previously content little boy suddenly started screaming all the time he was awake. He began refusing to feed, physically pushing away and arching, and spewing up most of what he was fed. He was unhappy most of the time being on his back, most of the time in general- if he was awake, he was unhappy. I took him to the doctor and they said it was likely reflux, and gave me some medicine to give him which I had to syringe into him at every feed. There was something quite unsettling about medicating my 2 week old, but I did it anyhow. The medicine didn’t really help and I continued to have a screaming baby. He would stay awake pretty much all day. I would have to rock him for 40 minutes to get him to go to sleep only to put him down and have him wake screaming 15 minutes later. I couldn’t do anything- eat, sleep, live. I remember a few nights of tending to this screaming baby for hours on end, willing him to stop, tears streaming down my own face, to the point where I was lying on the ground sobbing at my wits end, not knowing what to do. It’s amazing what listening to a screaming crying baby for hours on end can do to a person, moreso when it’s your own and it provokes that emotional reaction. I began to lose myself in all of this. It felt like a living hell. Every day I would wake up dreading what might happen. Sometimes I would rather hide under the sheets than get up and face the day. Each night I would cry to my husband exhausted over just how hard it was. It really did feel like some kind of torture. And the worst part was I loved him SO much, I couldn’t understand why caring for him was such a nightmare. I felt like if only I was a stronger person, a better mother, it wouldn’t get to me so much.

Things came to a head when he began to point blank refuse to breastfeed, and I had to put him on a bottle. I remember passing him to my husband and collapsing in tears because I just couldn’t do the one thing I was meant to do- he didn’t even want to. At first I tried to express all his feeds so he could stay on breastmilk, but after a while I just couldn’t keep up with the 3 hourly ritual alongside a baby that didn’t sleep and eventually my supply got low, and I switched to formula. I was the first of my coffee group to do this and I faced judgement and worse still pity, which served to make me feel worse. All the while I was thinking, it wasn’t meant to be like this! I was meant to have a lovely happy baby who was breastfed and all was meant to be well in the world.

Things came to a head for me when I was standing in the kitchen one night making a bottle for the screaming baby downstairs, and I looked over at the knife block and I thought, I can understand why people cut themselves. It always seemed like such a foreign and absurd idea to me, but in that moment, I could understand the idea of wanting to feel another different kind of pain, so you didn’t have to feel the one you were feeling at that moment. With the encouragement of my family, I went to see my lovely GP who encouraged me to try some antidepressants. I was willing, as I just wanted to feel better somehow. For the first 2 weeks I felt like a bit of an alien, my head was buzzy, I didn’t feel myself somehow. Slowly but surely after that though, things got a little bit easier. I like to think of it like instead of being a rollercoaster of up and down, I was more like a straight line, not ecstatically happy not terribly sad, and it allowed me to cope.

The experience of a difficult baby and my depression also took a huge toll on my previously very stable and secure marriage. The stress led to fights and in hindsight perhaps my husband experienced some degree of depression himself. Neither of us expected parenthood to be as it was up until that point and we took the stress out on each other. Gradually things got a little easier. I took my son to a paediatrician to try and figure out his severe reflux and we discovered he was dairy intolerant and he was put onto a hypoallergenic formula. After this, he was a changed baby. He stopped vomiting after every feed, stopped screaming so much and I was able to see the happy baby again that I always knew was there.

After this we started to heal. There were still some very rough times along the way in the first year and a half. Times where parenthood really just was the worst thing I had ever done. And also times where it was absolutely the best thing. We fought many times, I cried many times, spent many nights up with a screaming baby. At times I feared I was losing my mind, that I would never get through it. These days things are a lot better for me. I am still on antidepressants, having tried to come off them twice unsuccessfully and I find myself better on them for the moment. I have returned to work which I found to be a massive turning point in overcoming my depression. I was able to gain some self esteem again as I lost it all going through PND, I was able to see myself as worthy again, as a person again. My son has thrived at daycare, having more money has taken some pressure off, and our relationship is going from strength to strength having faced all this and made it through.

I still feel sad looking back that my first experience of motherhood had to be that way, and it will take me a while to come to terms with the fact that most people don’t experience this, but, more people do than you realise and that’s ok. For now we are not having any more children as I am not ready, and things are good as they are, but one day I may feel strong enough to do it all over again.

Mothers Helpers offers support to prevent postnatal depression in those who are at-risk, and minimize the damage it can cause a mother and her family.  To support our work, buy a green ribbon, make a donation – give a little!!!

The post Lisa’s Story first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

Most of us know that Tony Veitch pleaded guilty in 2009 and was convicted of “Injuring with Reckless Regard” when in 2006 (or thereabouts) he kicked his then-partner Kristin Dunne-Powell causing her spine to fracture in several places.  Kristin Dunne-Powell’s injuries were severe enough that she had to use a wheelchair temporarily while she recovered.  At the time, Tony Veitch stepped down from all media work that he was doing, but in 2010, 1ZB offered him a position hosting two sports programmes which has continued to this day.

Of course, in the past two years I have been so consumed with my little boy (now 2yrs and 8mths old) and it has to be said that his “I don’t want that one!” cries at the 6pm news make me cave in to his “Little Einsteins” demands.  Not to mention the fact that I am yet to read through an entire magazine since his birth, and any newspapers I buy have ended up lining the recycle bin unopened unless I’m fortunate enough to grab a few minutes alone in a cafe…  I’m sure you mums understand!  So whence the delayed (2 year!) reaction to Tony Veitch’s re-appointment to broadcasting.  However, after hearing John Kirwan’s interview by Veitch yesterday, I felt it was important that I write an opinion from the perspective of Mothers Helpers and I have been reviewing the information that has come out since Veitch’s trial including his own interview on Close Up and statements by Anti-Violence campaigners, the ‘It’s Not OK’ campaign and the Mental Health Foundation.

Disclaimer:  Many people make the argument that women can be equally as abusive/violent as men and there are cases where women are abusive (more about what is abuse later) towards a man who does not use his physical strength to retaliate.  However, in the case of physical abuse, it’s important to mention the physical strength that a man has over a woman – so even if she fights back (and often women do in these situations, which means that she feels “partly responsible” and “just as much to blame”), he has a clear advantage in terms of power, and is able to dominate and intimidate as a result of his strength when matched with a woman.  It is that use of domination, intimidation and her subsequent fear and loss of power that causes her to feel vulnerable.  But feelings aside, the facts remain that it is his physical strength (when used) that puts her life at risk.  For this reason, this article uses the male pronoun “he/him” when describing the abusor.

Tony’s Interview

I watched the Close-Up interview of Tony Veitch and what struck me was how angry and indignant he was.  He spoke like a man defending himself.  I would suggest that 80-90% of the interview Veitch chose to speak about how difficult the situation had been for him – how the relationship had caused him to become overwhelmingly stressed that led to losing control, that the media had printed lies about him, that he had lost his livelihood, that he had become suicidal.  Comparatively, he minimized his own behaviour and the consequences that had for Kristin Dunne-Powell.  I would like to pick up some of the points Veitch made in his interview:

1. I Am Not a Violent Man – I Made a Mistake – Tony Veitch started his interview by denying he was a violent man and frequently referred to the incident where he kicked Kristin’s back until it fractured in several places as being a “mistake”.  For me, this was the biggest indicator that Tony Veitch had not taken responsibility or faced himself.  All of us have faced extremely stressful circumstances, have been backed into a corner and have been tested as to how we are going to deal with it.  For those of us who have experienced postnatal depression, we know what it is to have emotions that have overwhelmed us to the point of being out-of-control.  However, for the majority of New Zealanders who have had situations and feelings of overwhelming stress and rage, we have not acted with violence to another person.  It’s unusual for violence to occur once, out-of-the-blue.  Research argues against Tony’s statement suggesting that it was a one-off incident.  Usually there is an ongoing abusive relationship leading up to it – refer to the Power-Control wheel which describes abuse.  We don’t know what went on in that relationship or how Tony Veitch behaved towards Kristin or his current wife  however there were allegations (reports from Kristin herself in a police file that our “justice system” has now repressed) that there was a long history of abuse by Tony Veitch towards his partner.  It’s important to note that according to the Power-Control wheel, an abusive man will “minimise, deny and blame.”  He will make light of the abuse and will shift the responsibility for the abusive behaviour away from himself – often by saying she caused it.   In this instance, Tony Veitch’s statement “I am not a violent man – I made a mistake” both denies and minimizes his behaviour.  Furthermore, he chooses words that clearly show that he believes himself to be the victim, eg. “I suffered a conviction”.   In fact, there is something inside him that gives way to violence where others would not.  And it is likely that it is part of a pattern of behaviour found on the Power-Control wheel that has been there for a long time.  Therapists often refer to “violence” in more ways than just the act of physical assault.  It is my guess that Tony is likely to have adopted a range of behaviours that have led him to this kind of violence.  It’s possible that the court action and trial-by-public (via media) has been enough of a consequence that it will stop Tony from lashing out again.  However, the stuff inside him that caused him to, still remains.  Accepting full responsibility is an outward sign of some inner work taking place.  Tony Veitch did not show this in his Close-Up interview.
2. Lack of Insight or Compassion – When a woman is physically abused, there is so much more going on than the physical bruises or in this case, the healing of a fractured spine.  Sometimes I cringe when I hear people ask “what did he do to you?” or “how bad was it?”  We measure the degree of abuse by how severe the physical consequence of the violence was.  But we underestimate the mental and emotional scars that occur as a result of physical abuse.  Everyone is affected differently from trauma such as this – but for many fear and anxiety can become a constant companion.  Mental health illnesses might develop.  Certainly confidence, self-esteem and the ability to trust others are likely to be affected.  Because of these struggles, it’s likely to affect her ability to work and function in a range of settings including current or future relationships.  Tony Veitch was given an opportunity by the “It’s Not Ok” anti-violence campaign to become a spokesperson for those who have shown violent behaviour in the past, but he has not taken that opportunity.  As mentioned previously, in his Close-Up interview, Tony Veitch did not focus on his own behaviour or the consequences that might have had for Kristin.  Instead, his focus was on the trial, conviction and public scrutiny and the effect that had on him.
3. Blame – Someone recently implied that Kristin Dunne-Powell likely contributed to the volatile relationship and this was all about a bit of money and revenge.  It certainly gave me clear insight as to “what is OK” in their world when it comes to domestic violence, and I want to address this issue because I fear that a lot of New Zealanders have this opinion in general.  We have already discussed the power and strength differences between men and women and that they are not on the same playing field in that regard.  But there’s more to it than that.  The fact is that no matter what a person is like, no matter how much she provokes him, it does not excuse his violent reaction.  He is responsible for the way he reacts to a situation.  She is not responsible for it.  But men who abuse tend to shift the focus onto her behaviour and make it seem like it was difficult if not impossible for him to react any differently.  In his interview, Tony focused on how she wouldn’t leave the house and it was his house, and how he’d been reduced to lying on the bed and putting his fingers in his ears (while she was obviously berating him) which drove him to do what he did. He spoke about himself as if he was the victim. He’d mentioned how he’d first driven away from the house and gone to the beach, and then returned where it all unfolded.  When a person is stressed and angry, in order to keep himself and other people safe – he needs to remove himself from the situation until he has calmed down – yet Tony chose to return and to remain there despite how he was feeling, until he snapped.  I particularly disliked the way that Veitch “dug up dirt” (what he called “evidence”) about Kristin and how he’d “enjoyed it”.  I found that statement particularly sickening.  And when the interviewer (Mark) asked him whether he thought it was best for Kristin that a court hearing didn’t take place, he indicated that it most certainly was, but it was the implied threats that followed after that statement that I found surprising.  I expected him to show some compassion towards Kristin’s stress levels, but instead he made it clear that it would “hurt a lot of people” (presumably in her world) if he were to bring the “facts and evidence” he had planned to bring.  And I was saddened to hear that his wife had also taken part in the “digging”.  Sometimes we collude with someone because we need to believe their story – because the alternative is unbearable and we don’t want to face it.  But it’s that kind of colluding that doesn’t help Tony, but hinders him from taking responsibility.  Again, no matter what “dirt” they found – nothing takes away from the actions he took, the decisions he made and the violence that occured that he is responsible for.
4. Keeping Things Quiet – In his interview, Tony Veitch also talked about how “disappointed” he was that Kristin didn’t keep this all quiet and “disappointed” with the way in which she’d handled it.  That it was worse for all concerned that it went to court and into the public arena.  In fact, it seems to me that Kristin was entitled to some kind of financial compensation, but it’s really important that Kristin laid charges, and I commend her for it.  The most difficult thing to do when experiencing any kind of abuse is to speak up about it.  She did the right thing.  It was important that Tony Veitch was held responsible for his actions, and accepted the consequences.  It’s often through these kinds of consequences that a man finally takes responsibility and begins to change.  And while that remains to be seen in Tony’s case, who knows whether in fact this has been a stepping stone in the right direction for him doing just that?  Or preventing another incident such as this one?  It seems to me that if Tony had a healthy perspective, he would have acknowledged that he (Tony) needed to take whatever consequences were given to him for the actions he took.  I mean to say, Tony – at the very least can you not accept that your actions were illegal and she had every right to take you to court!  He should have, in fact, supported her in it completely if he were truly remorseful.  And he would understand that the greatest challenge with Domestic Violence is encouraging women to report it.  To speak about it.  To ask for help.

The Court Sentence

Veitch was sentenced to nine months supervision, 300 hours community service and a $10,000 fine with the possibility of having to attend a Stop Violence programme should this be deemed necessary by parole officials.  Fortunately, parole officials did deem it necessary, but overall I am shocked at this sentence.  Veitch had kicked in a woman’s back until it broke, and he literally had 5 hours in jail. What does this say about us as a society in New Zealand that you can assault a woman to the point where you cause such damage as you might threaten paralysis or even death, but at the very least 6 weeks in a wheelchair suffering from spinal fractures, and yet the consequences are a minor fine, and a bit of part-time community services work?  I believe that sends a very clear message as to the values in our country when it comes to Domestic Violence, and that we have a long way to go in this campaign.  Sadly, the consequences do nothing to help Tony Veitch gain insight or accept responsibility.  Comparatively, here is the testimony of Kristin Dunne-Powell of what she has had to endure as a result of the incident:  Kristin’s Statement

Apparently, as part of his defense, Veitch had sought a number of character references including those from Susan Devoy and Dave Currie.   It has since come out that those people were led to believe that they were providing these references for a passport application, however Veitch used them in court as testimonials to get a lighter sentence.

Return to Public Profile

Believe me, I am all for second chances when that person has hand-on-heart taken responsibility by acknowledging fault and taking steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again – however, this is not the case for Tony Veitch.  Within a year of sentencing 1ZB had given Veitch a sports hosting position and he returned to the public eye.  When a person is in the public eye, they are being held up as a representative not just of the company but in this case, NZ Radio and New Zealand itself.  This was the argument given for suspending and forcing Paul Henry’s resignation when he made some offensive racial remarks.  Personally, I didn’t think his remarks warranted that kind of action, but suffice to say that we seem to take racial ‘jokes’ more seriously than we do domestic violence.  No matter which way you see it, for those that listen to his sports shows – and let’s face it, New Zealand loves their sport – Tony Veitch is a kind of role model in such a public position.  We have to ask ourselves, if experts in Anti-Violence are less than convinced that Tony Veitch has taken sufficient responsibility for his actions of assault and violence, why then would we herald him as a sports commentator for our country?  And again, what does that say about the values in our society when faced with 120 reported cases of Domestic Violence in Auckland alone – bearing in mind that these are only the ones that are reported.

Suicide Attempts

There have been reports of 3 or 4 suicide attempts by Tony Veitch.  His attempts were not following the assault on Kristin Dunne-Powell, but following public scrutiny and legal action.  Each of them were dramatic and involved Police searching for his whereabouts, helicopter searches and so on.  Therefore, each have been reported by the media.  In light of the fact that I represent “Mothers Helpers” and we help mothers that are at-risk of depression or suffering from it, and believe whole-heartedly that suicide is not the solution, I will not seek to make light of these attempts.  My only comment is to suggest that Tony finds a different way to seek help.

What I Would Like to See

I would like to see Tony Veitch take up the offer from the Mental Health Foundation to work with them in offering him support to accept responsibility for the violence in his past (and ongoing issues), to work on changing patterns of behaviour, and to become a role model to others caught in a cycle of abuse (often victim and perpetrator) to get help so they can change it.  Only then would I support Tony Veitch returning to a prominent role in media as sports commentator.  If you choose to work in the public eye, it’s important that you represent New Zealand well and without that obvious change in heart and in attitude, it should not be given to you.

I would encourage anyone to boycott his sports programme on 1ZB for this reason, and I’m surprised at John Kirwan for appearing on his show.

Are You OK?

If you are in a violent relationship or you know someone who is, there is help, information and support available to you.  Click here for more information on getting help.

If you are worried about your own depression, your stress levels and uncontrollable anger/emotions, and how that is affecting you, your baby or your family – or you’re worried about your own safety or the safety of the children in your care, please Contact Us.  For urgent 24hr phonecall assistance contact Lifeline.

The post On Tony Veitch first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

What an understatement!  The reason why Mothers Helpers provides mums suffering from postnatal depression (with no support system to help) with volunteers to help with childcare and housework is simply because we know how vital having a regular break is to recovery.  Motherhood is relentless.  It is a 24hr/day, 7 days/week job.  For many of us with young babies or with babies that don’t sleep well, even night times are not our own to get sufficient rest.  But too often, mothers have an expectation of themselves that a “good mother” is some kind of martyr/heroine/supermum that getting our own needs met is plain selfish.  And here’s where we need to challenge that kind of thinking.

Challenging the Barriers

I’m not going to discuss where that thinking comes from or how we can challenge it.  If you’d like to read more about Expectations, check out an earlier post I wrote titled “Expectations”.  The first step to getting a break is to recognize that you need one, to accept that your needs are important too, and to give yourself permission to have a break.  Many women with postnatal depression have anxiety about leaving their baby with someone else to care for them.  This is normal.  The best way to work through this is to start small with someone you know and trust and gradually build it up from there. The second step is to assess your current resources to see how it can be achieved.

Identify Your Resources

So many mothers truly believe they have no options.  But you have more than you think.  Let’s first of all take a look at your current resources:

• Make a list of all your family members that live in the same city and in particular, those that live close by to you.  Consider their available time.  Find out from those family members how often they’d be willing to take care of your little one.
• Have a discussion with your partner (or your child’s father or the father’s family) and find out how willing and available they are to take care of baby while you have a break.
• Consider your circle of friends and acquaintances.  They might be other mothers from your coffee group.  Perhaps they would be willing to do playdates or taking turns at taking the kids so that you can both get a break and mutually help one another?
• Consider your financial budget.  Try to factor in some childcare costs whether that’s daytime or evening babysitting.  Remember this is not a treat, this is a need.

Now that you’ve identified the current resources you have available to you, ask.  It is the hardest part and so many mothers are so afraid to ask for help or for a break or for their own needs that they let things go on the way they are for month after month, year after year.  But you cannot afford to do this.  Your mental health is important.  It affects you, it affects your family – your marriage/relationship and your child.  You owe it to yourself, and to your family to take care of yourself and get better.  So pluck up the courage and ask – and do it once.  What I mean by that is, ask them for a regular day and a regular time and stick it in both your diaries or on both your calendars  – so that you don’t have to pluck up the courage over and over again to ask for help.  It will be too hard and you’ll stop doing it.  Do it once and organize it so it’s a regular thing.

More Ideas

Now here’s some resources you probably didn’t know about or you’ve never considered before:

• Any family that receives any assistance from the Government (including Working for Families) is entitled to receive up to 9hrs subsidised childcare.
• If you have postnatal depression you are eligible to receive a Disability Allowance through WINZ – particularly if you are on a benefit.  Part of that Allowance can include Childcare Costs.  With a supporting letter from your GP you can receive up to 50hrs subsidised childcare per week.
• Consider having an Au Pair.  An Au Pair lives in with you and provides you with childcare and housework assistance.  Usually between 20 and 40hrs/week.  Costs are usually around $180/wk.  However, many young people with childcare experience on their O.E. to New Zealand are happy to provide some free childcare and housework hours in exchange for free board and accommodation.  If you have the room in your house, I highly recommend this.  Advertise for free on the Backpackers Noticeboard online!
• When your baby is heading towards toddlerhood you might feel comfortable hiring a student as a babysitter.  Often students are happy to come and babysit a sleeping child while they do some study for a small amount of cash.  Advertise on Gumtree for free!
• Consider attending groups that have a free or affordable creche (yes, they do exist!)
• Playgroups/coffee groups are better than nothing – so long as the mums really are socializing and talking amongst themselves!

What to Do With that Precious Time

Now that you’ve established a way to get a break, it’s really important that you use the time wisely.  Don’t spend it running errands, paying bills, or getting the housework done.  This time is for you, and it’s important.  Here are some ideas:

• Attend counselling appointments
• Go for a walk
• Develop an interest/hobby: eg. scrapbooking, gym, swimming
• Meet a friend for coffee (no babies!)
• Go to a movie or out for a drink with a friend
• Go to a class of interest, eg. learn a language, cooking class, pottery class, art class, photography class, dance class
• Spoil yourself: a massage or a hair appointment or a manicure!
• Have a nap (particularly if you’re sleep-deprived – but don’t over-indulge in sleeping – often this can be a symptom of depression and if that’s your situation, it’s much better if you get outside for a walk than give in to the blankets!)

And yes, mum, your needs are just as important and you do deserve it!  Talk to your partner and get his support.  Help him to see that this will help your recovery from PND.

The post Girl, You Need a Break! first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

Those more at-risk of developing postnatal depression have one or more of the following:

• Previous Depressive episode
• Relationship/marriage difficulties
• Financial difficulties
• Poor family support
• Single mother
• Young mother (ie. under the age of 22yo)
• Having difficulty breastfeeding
• Baby with colic/reflux or illness
• Other significant stress, eg. death in the family

If you are currently pregnant, Mothers Helpers can provide you with a wide range of support to keep stress to a minimum with an aim to prevent postnatal depression.  If you’ve already had your baby and you have any of the risk-factors above or any of the symptoms of PND (we can test your symptoms), Mothers Helpers can provide you with support so that you can recover more quickly and more fully.

By increasing support and directly addressing the specific stress you are dealing with, together we could prevent you from experiencing postnatal depression.

What Helps Recovery?

It helps to look at your health holistically.   Many people try to treat mental illness including Postnatal Depression using one method of treatment.  The reason this is not very effective is because human beings are made up of physical, mental, emotional/psychosocial, spiritual and cultural aspects of ourselves.  These are all connected and impact on one another.  The best way of healing and recovering from mental illness is working with each of these.  Mothers Helpers does a holistic assessment and helps you to recognize where you are experiencing stress in each of these areas and gives you resources, help and support as well as goal-setting with these.

We talk about your specific situation and the specific issues you are facing.  But there are common problems that mothers with postnatal depression experience, and so here are some ideas of what will help you to recover from PND:

Physical

• Regular exercise – preferably something you enjoy; even a leisurely walk will help
• Good diet
• Medication – not everyone needs medication, not everyone responds to medication, but most people diagnosed with postnatal depression will often find some form of medication helpful and with a combination of counselling, they’re likely to recover more quickly than those who do not take medication.  We will write more on Medication in a future blog.
• Some people swear by natural remedies.  This is a personal choice.  If you are interested in finding out more, see your Naturopath
• Sunshine and nature – many people recovering from postnatal depression find they are especially sensitive to the sun and to nature and find it extremely beneficial.  Aim to spend a good 15 minutes in the sun every day or more if you can.  It releases good chemicals and hormones in your body (so does exercise).

Mental

• Many women find that adjusting to being at home with their baby day after day is very difficult and many women find that returning to work or studying or working on a project gives them the intellectual stimulation that helps lift their mood.  It’s not necessarily where all women are at, but some women find that their mental health improves when they make these changes.

Psychosocial

• Emotionally, there is so much to adjust to as a mother.  Even if you are a mother for the 2nd or 3rd time, every situation is different.  You might be adjusting to juggling a 2nd child with a demanding toddler in the mix; or there might be a wide age gap between your children and it’s almost like having a baby for the first time!  Whatever your situation, emotionally it has an affect on us while we are coming to terms with the changes and adjusting.
• Inevitably if you have postnatal depression, you are likely suffering from significant stress in your life.  Whether it’s stress in your relationship, difficulties with your baby sleeping or feeding, lack of support or something else.
• More than 50% of mothers feel isolated as the latest NZ survey that came out, told us.  And it can be particularly isolating when your baby is very small.
• We recommend spending time talking with a counsellor on a regular basis to process all the adjustments that are going on, alleviate the stress that you are feeling and gain support.  Research shows that mothers recover more quickly from PND when attending regular counselling and taking medication together.
• We also recommend finding out your local mother’s groups/coffee groups.  Mothers Helpers can help you to tap into those resources.  There are also support groups and social groups for young mums, single mums and mums with postnatal depression and a range of other supports online or otherwise for those with other difficulties eg. sick child, breastfeeding difficulties.
• Getting a break:  Everyone needs a break from time to time, and that includes you.  Time to rest, time to develop an interest/hobby, time for recreation.  In our next blog post we will talk about ideas as to how you can get a break.  It’s vital to recovery!

So often mothers diagnosed with postnatal depression end up on medication and that is the only change they make to their life and find that not only are they taking a long time to recover, they risk relapse.  This is because if the stress that was there at the beginning is still there 6 months/12 months later, it continues to put them at risk of depression.

The reason why the combination of counselling and medication is recommended to be the quickest road to recovery is twofold:  Medication will give you sufficient wellness to motivate you to see a counsellor, and to deal with some of the difficult topics you will need to discuss in order to get well.  Counselling will discuss some of the stress you’re currently under and what has likely contributed to your depression, and ways you might find change – whether its internal or external changes that need to be made.

The post Keys to Preventing & Recovering from PND first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

The post Another Mother’s Story first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

• There is not currently a lot of awareness about post-natal depression.  The risk-factors, the symptoms and where to get help is not widely known.  Many women go without diagnosis, and even when they are diagnosed, they don’t know where to go for help.  At best, they might go to their GP and start on anti-depressants – but anti-depressants alone are not the cure for PND, and they are not for everyone.
• Presently, Maternal Mental Health will only get involved with a mother if she has moderate-severe post-natal depression.  And even then, MMH resources are limited – sometimes they are so overwhelmed they literally close until they are able to catch up on the demand
• There is currently no one formally responsible for addressing mothers who have mild-moderate post-natal depression.  It is expected that midwives or plunket nurses will pick up on it and refer to GP’s or that GP’s will pick up on it.  However, it is completely at the discretion of the midwife and the plunket nurse whether or not she assessing for post-natal depression.  Their primary role is to address the physical needs of mother and baby.  Plunket in particular are not funded to address or assess any mental health issues.  GP’s understanding and treatment of mental health issues varies widely.  Some are very poor at dealing with mental health issues, others may diagnose a problem and treat with medication but that is the only help the mother might get
• There is no one actively involved in addressing those at-risk of PND in order to prevent it or reduce the severity of the condition
• Post-natal depression is not discussed openly.  Mothers tend to hide their symptoms, ashamed of how they are feeling.  There is often a belief amongst mothers that a “good mother” is seen to be coping well.  So in addition a new mother’s radical adjustment to what can be a very isolating role, a mother experiencing post-natal depression is likely to also feel especially isolated, guilty and ashamed

What this means

The effects of Postnatal Depression are wide-reaching.  They affect the mother, the partner, the child and the wider family.  In addition to a mother often suffering in isolation and often without information, resources, understanding or help, PND can have a ripple effect.  Significantly:

• Breakdown in marriage/relationship
• Family conflict

Interruption of attachment between mother and child.  Studies show that when a child is exposed to conflict in the home and/or attachment issues with the child’s mother, a range of issues can result as an older child or young adult including drug/alcohol addiction, learning difficulties, mental illness, suicide and delinquency

It is important to note that if a mother’s Postnatal Depression becomes severe, the only facility she is likely to be admitted to is a psychiatric ward where she will be separated from her child for the duration of her stay.  If it is deemed that she is unable to care for her child safely, CYFS may intervene to provide respite or long-term care.  These two scenarios Mothers Helpers wants to prevent by providing sufficient support because we don’t believe this is ultimately in the best interest of the Mother, child and family.

Please join us in creating awareness and supporting mothers at-risk of post-natal depression and helping those who have it to recover quickly and more fully.

The post Why Should We Care about Postnatal Depression? first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

This is the time of year where it’s good to look back and see all that has been accomplished.  Mothers Helpers registered as a Charity in May of this year so that we were official!  We also established three Board members:  Kristina Paterson (Chair), Amanda Donald (Treasurer) and Asha Ines.  We hope to nominate also Onur Yilmaz  to our Board who has a GM position with a large corporation and has been volunteering his expertise and help with things like recruitment, marketing, contacts and funding applications.  Amanda has been busy assisting with funding applications, administration, keeping of accounts and budget projections.  And Asha has been lending her time to our Networking meeting.  Kristina has been busy in overseeing the whole of Mothers Helpers including receiving and responding to referrals, visiting mothers and providing an assessment, referrals and follow-up as well as co-ordinating and recruiting our volunteers.  Our thanks to each of our Board members for the work that they do voluntarily and our congratulations to Amanda who had baby girl Cassidy Elaine at 3.9kg on 10th December!

I’d also like to acknowledge the following people for their help that they have offered to us voluntarily:

Karen Rouse – administration help earlier in the year and assisting with Charity registration

Erin Taylor – help with administration and work on the website

Alex Carter (Spruce Ltd) – graphic design help and designing the website virtually from scratch including all the bells and whistles that go with that!

Gavin McQuoid & Panprint Labels – supplying printing of 1000 brochures, 1000 fliers and 500 business cards free of charge!

Altezano Cafe – all coffee supplies for our “Mumspace Cafe” earlier in the year

Digital Spot Printing – printing of “Mumspace Cafe” fliers

West Wave Aquatic Leisure Centre supporting our “Mumspace Cafe”

Shore City Elim for providing a faithful volunteer for one of our mums

Lucy Reade (Life Coach) – for providing her services free of charge to all our volunteers in support of what we do

and the many others who volunteered their time, money and skills for the benefit of  “Mumspace Cafe” and “Mothers Helpers”

Special thanks to for all those who participated in the Networking Meeting ‘Mothers Helpers’ hosted for all those involved in ante-natal/post-natal maternity services from community agencies through to hospital services.  It was a very successful event and we look forward to future meetings so that we can improve our referral processes and our services to women and their families.

Our most important accomplishment of course, is the work that we have been able to do with our mums in assisting them recover from postnatal depression or preventing them from experiencing it through our practical help and support.  This was made possible because of every one of the volunteers, helpers and donators above.

Where to From Here?

In 2012 ‘Mothers Helpers’ hopes to start cafes in various locations around Auckland one day per week for each location where mums with postnatal depression or at-risk of postnatal depression can drop in for coffee, support and a chat.  We would like to be able to provide a free creche so mums can have some time out, a foodbank and clothing swap service, divorce recovery and parenting workshops and one-on-one assessments for those wanting practical help from ‘Mothers Helpers.’

We would also like to continue the work that we are doing providing at-risk mothers with adequate support.  In order to do this, we need to be successful with our funding applications, donations from those that are able to give to this cause, partnering churches to supply the venue and take up the opportunity to help mothers, and we need volunteers.

If you would like to help in any one of these areas above, please contact us.

Merry Christmas, God bless you and keep you safe over this holiday period,

Kristina Paterson

The post Newsletter from Mothers Helpers first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

In the article “The New Parent”, Dawn Gruen recognizes what is termed a “Postpartum Adjustment”. She writes: “With birth comes the transition to parenthood, often referred to as a developmental crisis for the parents. For them, the postpartum period is a time of emotional upheaval including rapid fluctuation and unpredictability of feelings. Everything is different and new, making it very difficult to know what is “normal”.”

Gruen identifies four areas of change that are challenging to both parents in terms of adjustment:

• Identity changes
• Feelings of loss (of your previous life/lifestyle)
• Time and energy changes
• The couple’s relationship changes

The area I want to address today is that of “identity.”

Becoming a mother for the very first time, creates in us a new identity as we take onboard this life-changing role. Quite aside from getting to know our baby and feeling comfortable and confident in having responsibility for this new little life, we are also psychologically coming to terms what we believe it means to be a “good mother”.

In my experience, there are two conflicts that occur. Perhaps it is the same for everyone? First, I have an internal ideal of what it means to be a “good mother”. My ideal may have been formed by a whole range of experiences of motherhood (usually key people in my life that have role-modelled motherhood to me) and how I’ve interpreted them. Internally I have processed my experiences and decided which ones I value and esteem to be like. Second, I have a range of health professionals, friends and family with their own set of ideals about what a “good mother” is and each of them (with good intentions) sharing those with us in the hope to guide us to be a better mother to our child. And let’s not forget the media and various other influences shaping our society’s culture by messages about what it means to be a mother.

The conflict occurs when my ideal (and values) and the guidance I’m receiving from others (based on their values) clashes with reality. The pressure I might place on myself or feel others are putting on me to live up to my (or their) ideals may cause me more harm than if I were to let it go.

Secondly, a conflict occurs when the guidance and advice I am receiving contradicts one another, causing confusion.

In speaking with mothers, the most common expectations and pressure they feel is regarding:

• breastfeeding vs. formula feeding
• keeping the house in order
• how “well” their baby was doing (eg. sleeping, feeding)
• parenting styles including “parentcare”
• staying at home vs. working

Here is what some mums are saying about expectations they had/pressure they felt:

“I had a lot of pressure put on me from my in-laws – they would try to go through [my husband] who would then ‘suggest’ different ways when I wanted to do it another way.

I had comments like ‘we won’t look after her until a bottle is involved’ (as I was breastfeeding) and when [my mother-in-law] would ring up the first thing she would ask every time is “is she sleeping through yet?” even when she was weeks old…!

…Apart from that no other pressure – [except] sometimes in coffee group when [my daughter] was not sleeping through and ALLLLL the other babies were…”

“I think my main expectations I put on myself – and most of them were very unrealistic! I had always intended on being a stay home mum and had the `ideal’ that I would be in my mind. As someone who had trained as a chef, my child was never going to have processed foods, but now some days I have to accept that the only thing she is going to eat is potato sticks. I love my coffee group and they never put pressure or expectations on me as such, but at the beginning I felt awkward going along as they all seemed to be handling every thing so well and my baby had reflux and colic and I had a nightmare starting breastfeeding. As soon as she got into full on cry at coffee group I would just leave.”

“One woman grabbed [my daughter] off me when she was a couple of weeks old and tried showing me how to burp her properly, for one this woman doesn’t have kids and two there wasn’t an issue with burping. Being told that she needs to be given a bottle by some, bf by others, she was too hot and I dressed her too warm, I should have had her in her own room from the beginning, it was all this crap that made me feel inadequate as a mother. I’m much stronger now and if I ever have another I will definitely tell people where to go if they tried that again.”

“I think the pressure was probably from me. Then me worrying how people perceived me and my not coping… I had expected it all to be easy and fall into place. I thought, because younger [daughter] was my 2nd child, it would be easy and all would be sweet as. Um, no! I was so wrong! 6 yrs is a huge gap and you don’t remember it all from first child with a 6 yr gap! Plus older child started being very badly behaved and new baby was very spilly. I did develop PND very severely. It is very different, having 1st child as a single mum and then having 2nd child with a partner and older child. So much more to contend with, so much more expected of you. It was a big shock to the system that things weren’t just easy peesy.”

“I think that I should be able to keep a clean house and have a good nutritious dinner on the table each night, this doesn’t happen all the time and I feel guilty about it. I think its because I’m not earning that I feel like I need to do something for [my husband] so I am “worthy” of being able to stay home while he has to work.”

“I think that my main problems were failing to meet my own expectations of myself as a mother… for one, I fully intended to go back to work full time when [my daughter] was 1, and then realised it wasn’t for me, took me a while to get over ‘abandoning my career’ even though I knew it was the right thing.”

“I also expected to have so much time to have a wonderfully tidy house, be able to exercise every day, cook lovely meals for my family and play with my baby… Okay so maybe I was a tad naive, but I did struggle with the realisation that it just wasn’t/isn’t possible for me to have that perfect tidy house, to exercise every day (I’m too damn tired and sleep deprived) and that cooking is a right horrible experience when you have a tired toddler or crying baby to deal with too!”

“I think a big contributor to PND is the difference between expectations and reality. The expectations I faced [were] generated by me, read stuff about people being able [to] give their baby expressed milk and have a day off, saw Mums getting back into sport with a newborn etc – this didn’t happen for me and the disappointment was crushing.”

“I think also from the stuff I read i got the self expectation that to raise I well adjusted child I had to basically glue myself to her 24/7. Felt massive guilt when she went to her room for sleep so could get some too.”

“I didn’t want to be that mother that hands the baby over to their dad the moment he walked in the door so if I do do that always feel a little guilty about it.”

“Luckily neither my boyfriend or our families have put any pressure on me about anything, but again, if I’m having a bad day I automatically start thinking…’they must think I’m so lazy not being able to do all these things’.”

“First time round I expected and it was expected of me that I would breast feed my baby. The fact that I couldn’t, put me into such a funk. I was in so much physical and emotional pain that when [my daughter] cried for another feed I thought about putting a pillow over her face so I wouldn’t have to put her to the breast. However, because of the pressure I received from midwives, mum, and myself I could see no alternative to breastfeeding. Thankfully one midwife snapped me out of it by telling me it was ok to bottle feed.”

“There is a huge pressure to breastfeed and I feel this is sometimes dangerous for the mental health of new mums.”

“Breastfeeding was the biggest pressure I had to deal with. Knowing all the benefits of breastfeeding, but being in such agony that tears would be streaming down my face while feeding her. The relief when I finally decided to give up and formula feed is indescribable. But it really annoys me that on every tin of formula, and even the MoH pamphlet on formula feeding, there is a ‘breast is best’ warning … just in case I wasn’t already feeling guilty enough!”

“I had a thought now that I’m working a bit and considering putting the kids into childcare. I fully expected that I would be a stay-at-home-mum and would enjoy it and be happy that my kids didn’t have to go into care. But you know what? I love going to work and getting some time out from the kids, its amazing. I really don’t think I’m cut out to be a full-time stay-at-home-mum. I definitely feel guilty about this.”

With these internal and external expectations on mothers, it seems to me that mothers respond in one of three ways:

1. they hold tightly to those ideals and try to live up to them, causing enormous pressure on themselves which can in turn bring tension to the family (whether that’s through fatigue, stress or resentment) or at a cost to their own mental health
2. let go not of the ideals themselves but of their attempt to meet some of them so that they are living more realistically but not without guilt
3. challenging some of the ideals with their reality and embracing “what works for them” as a family

The questions raised are:

“What does it say about me if I ask for help… if I say I can’t cope… if I don’t do everything [on my checklist]?”

“Haven’t I failed my baby if I cannot breastfeed? Failed as a mother if I can’t comfort her or settle her into a routine?”

As a first-time mother, during my pregnancy I made sure that I did everything they told me to do, read everything I could and never ate anything that could ever possibly harm my baby. Prior to his arrival, I scrubbed every inch of the house and made sure every possible item was bought, items laid out in preparation for his coming home. Perhaps there is no coincidence that mothers second, third or fourth time round are far more relaxed during their pregnancy and preparations? Perhaps it’s because they have gone through a process with their first child where they have accepted that nothing is perfect and nothing is ideal or really goes according to plan. Perhaps it’s because they are familiar with the challenges they are likely to face and so their expectations and reality are not at odds? Perhaps they have learned that whatever challenge might arise, they will find the best solution that works for their family. This might involve talking to a range of people – professionals through to family and friends, but ultimately they will arrive at what works for them.

We have our ideals for a reason: we want the best for our baby and for our husband/partner. However, it is simply nottrue that a “good mother always puts herself last.” A good mother factors in her own needs as well as the rest of the family’s. If striving to meet the ideal for her baby/family means that she is carrying stress and guilt and a sense of failure and fatigue and resentment – and ultimately is at a cost of her own personal mental health – then that cost is too great. Not only because of what it does to her, but also what it does to her family.

Perhaps it is true that a “good mother cares for her family…. and also cares for herself.”

I’ll leave you with a quote I really liked from one mother:

“This time around I don’t care what anyone else says we’ll be doing what works for us, after all in the end that’s what I have had to do already and we have a beautiful happy girl, so I must be doing something right.”

The post Expectations on Mothers first appeared on Mothers Helpers.