This is Ruth Sell’s story…

Before having kids I really believed I could handle anything. I was a successful Advertising executive, I had travelled the world on my own and had come through many personal challenges, I had never suffered serious depression. Not much was said about PND prior to the birth, and what I did hear about I paid little attention to. If anyone had asked more about my history of anxiety or how well I deal with sleep deprivation it might have hit home a little more, but still I wouldn’t have expected it.

My pregnancy was wonderful and the birth was easy by my midwife’s standards (though it was hands down the most painful and gruelling experience of my life). My son fed well and was healthy. I had a supportive husband and no financial worries. Our only vulnerability was that we were on the other side of the world from all our family and being new to Auckland we had very few friends.

The PND started pretty much from the birth of my son but I didn’t really realise it was unusual until he was 3 months old. I developed terrible insomnia and anxiety, which led me to get depressed. I went to a useless GP who didn’t even look me in the eye as she prescribed me medication that didn’t work.

In desperation I flew back to the UK and stayed with my Mum for 6 weeks. When I got back to Auckland things were at breaking point, I never thought I would come so close to ending my life, it was a terrible terrible time. Thankfully I discovered an amazing GP who told me “you know it’s not normal to feel this way. You’re missing out on your son and you deserve to enjoy life and being a mum.’ She gave me the right medication and I started going to a support group and a therapist. I also found the most amazing acupuncturist.

I learnt that PND really is an illness. It’s not all in your head, much as it feels like it. Your body becomes so depleted from the physical trauma of birth, and the physical and mental challenge of being a mum that it can’t perform the functions that help you sleep and feel happy and have energy etc. Add to this the reality of all the challenges and emotions that come with being a Mum, plus the crazy hormonal changes and it is a ‘perfect storm’. The more it goes on the worse you feel and it becomes a vicious cycle. Medication lifted me out of the hole I was in so I could start living my life again.

After 6 months I came off the meds and was mostly fine until a few months after baby 2 was born and the insomnia and anxiety kicked back in. So I’ve been back on the meds for 10 months and am doing really well. Next hurdle – coming off the meds! I now live in Wellington.

The post PND Can Happen to Anyone first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

Those more at-risk of developing postnatal depression have one or more of the following:

• Previous Depressive episode
• Relationship/marriage difficulties
• Financial difficulties
• Poor family support
• Single mother
• Young mother (ie. under the age of 22yo)
• Having difficulty breastfeeding
• Baby with colic/reflux or illness
• Other significant stress, eg. death in the family

If you are currently pregnant, Mothers Helpers can provide you with a wide range of support to keep stress to a minimum with an aim to prevent postnatal depression.  If you’ve already had your baby and you have any of the risk-factors above or any of the symptoms of PND (we can test your symptoms), Mothers Helpers can provide you with support so that you can recover more quickly and more fully.

By increasing support and directly addressing the specific stress you are dealing with, together we could prevent you from experiencing postnatal depression.

What Helps Recovery?

It helps to look at your health holistically.   Many people try to treat mental illness including Postnatal Depression using one method of treatment.  The reason this is not very effective is because human beings are made up of physical, mental, emotional/psychosocial, spiritual and cultural aspects of ourselves.  These are all connected and impact on one another.  The best way of healing and recovering from mental illness is working with each of these.  Mothers Helpers does a holistic assessment and helps you to recognize where you are experiencing stress in each of these areas and gives you resources, help and support as well as goal-setting with these.

We talk about your specific situation and the specific issues you are facing.  But there are common problems that mothers with postnatal depression experience, and so here are some ideas of what will help you to recover from PND:

Physical

• Regular exercise – preferably something you enjoy; even a leisurely walk will help
• Good diet
• Medication – not everyone needs medication, not everyone responds to medication, but most people diagnosed with postnatal depression will often find some form of medication helpful and with a combination of counselling, they’re likely to recover more quickly than those who do not take medication.  We will write more on Medication in a future blog.
• Some people swear by natural remedies.  This is a personal choice.  If you are interested in finding out more, see your Naturopath
• Sunshine and nature – many people recovering from postnatal depression find they are especially sensitive to the sun and to nature and find it extremely beneficial.  Aim to spend a good 15 minutes in the sun every day or more if you can.  It releases good chemicals and hormones in your body (so does exercise).

Mental

• Many women find that adjusting to being at home with their baby day after day is very difficult and many women find that returning to work or studying or working on a project gives them the intellectual stimulation that helps lift their mood.  It’s not necessarily where all women are at, but some women find that their mental health improves when they make these changes.

Psychosocial

• Emotionally, there is so much to adjust to as a mother.  Even if you are a mother for the 2nd or 3rd time, every situation is different.  You might be adjusting to juggling a 2nd child with a demanding toddler in the mix; or there might be a wide age gap between your children and it’s almost like having a baby for the first time!  Whatever your situation, emotionally it has an affect on us while we are coming to terms with the changes and adjusting.
• Inevitably if you have postnatal depression, you are likely suffering from significant stress in your life.  Whether it’s stress in your relationship, difficulties with your baby sleeping or feeding, lack of support or something else.
• More than 50% of mothers feel isolated as the latest NZ survey that came out, told us.  And it can be particularly isolating when your baby is very small.
• We recommend spending time talking with a counsellor on a regular basis to process all the adjustments that are going on, alleviate the stress that you are feeling and gain support.  Research shows that mothers recover more quickly from PND when attending regular counselling and taking medication together.
• We also recommend finding out your local mother’s groups/coffee groups.  Mothers Helpers can help you to tap into those resources.  There are also support groups and social groups for young mums, single mums and mums with postnatal depression and a range of other supports online or otherwise for those with other difficulties eg. sick child, breastfeeding difficulties.
• Getting a break:  Everyone needs a break from time to time, and that includes you.  Time to rest, time to develop an interest/hobby, time for recreation.  In our next blog post we will talk about ideas as to how you can get a break.  It’s vital to recovery!

So often mothers diagnosed with postnatal depression end up on medication and that is the only change they make to their life and find that not only are they taking a long time to recover, they risk relapse.  This is because if the stress that was there at the beginning is still there 6 months/12 months later, it continues to put them at risk of depression.

The reason why the combination of counselling and medication is recommended to be the quickest road to recovery is twofold:  Medication will give you sufficient wellness to motivate you to see a counsellor, and to deal with some of the difficult topics you will need to discuss in order to get well.  Counselling will discuss some of the stress you’re currently under and what has likely contributed to your depression, and ways you might find change – whether its internal or external changes that need to be made.

The post Keys to Preventing & Recovering from PND first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

The post Another Mother’s Story first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

• There is not currently a lot of awareness about post-natal depression.  The risk-factors, the symptoms and where to get help is not widely known.  Many women go without diagnosis, and even when they are diagnosed, they don’t know where to go for help.  At best, they might go to their GP and start on anti-depressants – but anti-depressants alone are not the cure for PND, and they are not for everyone.
• Presently, Maternal Mental Health will only get involved with a mother if she has moderate-severe post-natal depression.  And even then, MMH resources are limited – sometimes they are so overwhelmed they literally close until they are able to catch up on the demand
• There is currently no one formally responsible for addressing mothers who have mild-moderate post-natal depression.  It is expected that midwives or plunket nurses will pick up on it and refer to GP’s or that GP’s will pick up on it.  However, it is completely at the discretion of the midwife and the plunket nurse whether or not she assessing for post-natal depression.  Their primary role is to address the physical needs of mother and baby.  Plunket in particular are not funded to address or assess any mental health issues.  GP’s understanding and treatment of mental health issues varies widely.  Some are very poor at dealing with mental health issues, others may diagnose a problem and treat with medication but that is the only help the mother might get
• There is no one actively involved in addressing those at-risk of PND in order to prevent it or reduce the severity of the condition
• Post-natal depression is not discussed openly.  Mothers tend to hide their symptoms, ashamed of how they are feeling.  There is often a belief amongst mothers that a “good mother” is seen to be coping well.  So in addition a new mother’s radical adjustment to what can be a very isolating role, a mother experiencing post-natal depression is likely to also feel especially isolated, guilty and ashamed

What this means

The effects of Postnatal Depression are wide-reaching.  They affect the mother, the partner, the child and the wider family.  In addition to a mother often suffering in isolation and often without information, resources, understanding or help, PND can have a ripple effect.  Significantly:

• Breakdown in marriage/relationship
• Family conflict

Interruption of attachment between mother and child.  Studies show that when a child is exposed to conflict in the home and/or attachment issues with the child’s mother, a range of issues can result as an older child or young adult including drug/alcohol addiction, learning difficulties, mental illness, suicide and delinquency

It is important to note that if a mother’s Postnatal Depression becomes severe, the only facility she is likely to be admitted to is a psychiatric ward where she will be separated from her child for the duration of her stay.  If it is deemed that she is unable to care for her child safely, CYFS may intervene to provide respite or long-term care.  These two scenarios Mothers Helpers wants to prevent by providing sufficient support because we don’t believe this is ultimately in the best interest of the Mother, child and family.

Please join us in creating awareness and supporting mothers at-risk of post-natal depression and helping those who have it to recover quickly and more fully.

The post Why Should We Care about Postnatal Depression? first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

In many ways this story is a long time coming.  I work in such professional circles in my job and my charity – and even in the Maternal Mental Health world I’m often quiet about my personal experiences because I am unsure whether another ‘Health Professional’ working in the field will judge me for having had a mental health illness.

Depression has so much of a stigma attached to it, but in my opinion, post-natal depression does especially because it doesn’t just address you as a person, but you as a mother.  Depression might say to some that you are “unhinged” and “not-to-be-trusted”.  The post-partum bit attached to it suggests to someone who doesn’t know better that perhaps you’re not safe with your own child let alone anyone else’s.  I believe there is so much shame that a mother experiences when she does not live up to her ideal view of “what a mother should be” – but even more so when she suffers from post-natal depression.

Post-natal Depression is invariably suffered in silence.  A mother is often afraid to share what’s really going on for her to other mothers lest she be judged, criticised, gossiped-about.  In her own mind she is not meeting up to the ideal standards she has set for herself.  Her shame forces her to wear a mask.  By the times the cracks show it’s likely that things are getting pretty bad.  I am so passionate about breaking down the stigma that surrounds post-natal depression so that mothers can break the silence and remove their masks without feeling condemned or judged but understood.

This story is not only to encourage mothers to break their silence as I am doing now, but to say that all first-time mothers experience an Adjustment that can be quite traumatic and with the right stressors and risk-factors in place, could well lead to post-natal depression.  If you are struggling in your new identity as a mother, or you have struggled when you became a mother, then you are in good company.   This is a safe place where the masks can come off.  Please feel comfortable to add your comments or email your story to me.

Tell us about you- what was your adult life like prior to having a baby?

I started late having my baby – about 35 years of age.  By that time I was well-educated, had worked as a health professional and in the business world for a number of years.  I had spent my early 20’s travelling around the world and experiencing what kiwis like to term “The Big O.E.”  I was very independent, knew who I was and what I wanted in life.  I’d had a lot of adventures, but prior to getting married and having my baby I had settled down and picked up quite a bit of childcare work and nannying and so on, so I would have thought it would not have been so much of a shock to me when I had my baby.

I’d always wanted to be a mother.  Always wanted to be married and have a family with at least two children.  I adored children and by the time I was 35 I began to wonder if I’d have the opportunity to have a child and thought it would probably take me a long time to conceive so we “started trying ” for a baby the moment we were married thinking it would take ages.  In fact, I was pregnant as soon as it was possible for me to fall pregnant after our honeymoon.

Tell us about your pregnancy…was it planned? Was it eventful or pretty standard?

On the day we arrived back from honeymoon, I was told that I was going to be made redundant and had one month to find another job.  However, in that time I discovered I was pregnant and by the time my morning sickness had subsided by 13wks pregnant, at best all I could secure at the time was a bit of casual nanny work.  This put a considerable strain on our finances.  We had used up all our savings on the wedding, and my husband was a student at the time.  Towards the end of my pregnancy he had got himself a fulltime job and given up his studies, but even then living on one-income and planning for a baby was difficult.

We were absolutely thrilled when we found out though.  I still remember my hands shaking in shock and wonder and excitement and then going out for dinner to celebrate (after doing 4 pregnancy tests because I couldn’t quite believe it!)  And when I discovered he was a boy, we decided on the name “Nathan” (gift from God) as he certainly was a gift and a blessing.

Our marriage, however, was fraught with tension and conflict.  We argued about everything.  By the time I was 6mths pregnant we had separated.  By my 3rd trimester, my blood pressure was becoming high and I had a lot of fluid onboard which meant I felt very uncomfortable, and in hindsight despite the fact that I was not working a lot of the time and despite my personal education and experience and all the reading and ante-natal classes I had done, I was actually really quite anxious about what to expect.  I think part of my anxiety was due to the uncertainty of my marriage relationship and how things would be either on my own or with my husband with ongoing conflict – and knowing that I had very little support elsewhere.  Most of my family lived overseas and we were not close anyway.  The only family living in my city was my mother and father and my husband’s mother and sister and I didn’t know if I could go to them for support, but thought it was unlikely that I would get much help – practical or otherwise.

Stressors

You could virtually tick off everything on the list of risk-factors of post-natal depression.  I had a traumatic birth (even now I find it very difficult to retell my experience), I had difficulty breastfeeding (it took me 6 weeks of training my son to suck and weaning him off a bottle while expressing), I had a history of a depressive episode due to previous relationship trouble, I had current relationship problems, I had little family support and while my little boy was still a baby (under the age of 1yo), my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  She was treated with two types of very aggressive chemotherapy and the doctor’s were not sure she would survive it.  With no other family around except for myself and my father, it was a very difficult time.  I’m pleased to report that my mother fought cancer and survived her chemotherapy treatment and is now either in remission or cured – time will tell us.

I was induced for labour and had an epidural, an allergic reaction to the epidural (severe itching) followed by large doses of Phenergan so that I slept through the remaining hours of my labour and while I dilated to 10cm the cord was wrapped around my baby’s neck and he could not come down the birth canal and was getting very distressed, exposed to meconium etc. so I had an emergency c-section.  The worst part was that I did not get to hold my son for at least an hour after his birth – that was really devastating to me, and the fact that I was heavily drugged and sedated for at least 4 days meant that I didn’t really have a good bond with him straight away.  Due to a tongue-tie he could not breastfeed and his glucose levels dropped and there were concerns about that following birth not to mention how much of a failure I felt for not being able to breastfeed (the tongue tie was not picked up until day 5 in hospital).  I had a suture line infection, cellulitis (infection in the tissues following the operation) and was heavily medicated for pain.  Not long after being discharged home I developed mastitis and was admitted back to hospital.  I was crying every single day particularly about not being able to breastfeed and Nathan screaming at the breast.  On the one hand I had family urging me to breastfeed.  On the other I had family wondering why I bothered and urged me to bottlefeed.  There were so many problems and so much stress, I honestly felt I had not been able to simply enjoy my son and celebrate his birth and feel the joy of a long-awaited arrival.  It took time for me to have that full sense of bonding and connection with Nathan.

You’ve dealt with postpartum depression. When did you first feel that something was not “right” with you?

After admitting to my midwife that I was crying every day for quite some time (particularly when breastfeeding), she told me that if I was still crying by day 7, she would suggest I see my GP.  By day 7 I still felt like crying but I forced myself to stop.  That’s when I had this irrational belief that if I made myself swallow the feelings that I would be okay – that I could prevent myself from having post-natal depression.  It was an irrational thought and looking back it was partly denial, but partly the hormones that were raging at the time.

I did see the GP but I managed to convince her that I was okay and that I would try seeing a psychologist to see if that would help.  So I saw the Psychologist a few times but I was so sleep-deprived and in survival mode and had to bring Nathan with me to appointments that I couldn’t clearly reflect on what was really happening for me.

Finally I saw a counsellor who convinced me to go back to the GP and tell her my symptoms.  I knew that if I went she would put me on medication, but in the end the symptoms became so unbearable that I had to go.  It was then that I admitted that I had post-natal depression.  By that time my son was 9 months old and I had separated from my husband for the second time.

What symptoms did you experience and how did you deal with them?

I was extremely low – some days I felt so bleak like there was nothing good about the day or about life or about myself.  I had very low energy to the point of exhaustion (and by 9mths my baby was sleeping through the night so it wasn’t sleep-deprivation causing it).  I had anxiety so that there were days where I felt so overwhelmed that I literally believed I could not cope with caring for my son and I would phone up my husband in a panic and beg him to come home from work and he would get very upset at me and refuse – so I literally had to manage, I had no choice – there was no one to turn to for help.  I was very irritable and angry.  There were times where I would completely lose it and scream at my husband or overreact to a situation completely.  I was very sensitive and felt easily hurt by things people said and did and usually had a very angry response.  I felt like my emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t control them.  With the conflict and negativity that was happening in my marriage, I had extremely low self-esteem and felt very self-loathing.  Sometimes I wanted to die but thanks to Nathan, I knew that I never would consider doing anything about those thoughts and feelings.  The little energy that I had I would pull together and use it being a good mother to Nathan.  That was really hard, but it gave me a reason to live, a reason to get help, a reason to get better and looking back, I feel so proud of my devotion to him even when I was at my very lowest.

What helped?

Time.  Those early years of a young baby are the most difficult.  Even without all the other stresses going on in my life, just being newly married, having a young baby, sleep-deprived, on one income, and adjusting to a new role and identity as a mother is enough to contend with.  Adjustment happens with time.  Adjustment to my new role as a mother, adjustment to living within the boundaries of one income, adjustment to having a baby dependent on me and sharing him with his dad.  And with time, he has become less dependent on me and sleeps for longer periods of time so that I am able to meet more of my own needs including the need for sleep!  In those early days, it feels like every day is the same and that day goes on forever and nothing is going to change.  I loved my beautiful little newborn baby but it’s good to be on the other side of that!

Finding myself again.  I have very little resources when it comes to family support and childcare options, but with the little resources I had, I found ways in which I might find time away from my son so that I could see to my own needs and rediscover my identity again.  That included going back to work, using my strengths and abilities to help others and feeling good about what I achieve, attending some counselling and some personal-growth courses to work on some of the loss of self-esteem I had felt during that time.  And a bit of medication.  Once I found the right medication and the right dose of medication, within a few weeks I was starting to feel much better and more able to make the positive changes I needed to make.

Sometimes “Depression” can take away a bit of your mana.  For me, going back to work in professional roles where others respected me and where I could see I was achieving and contributing a lot helped me to gain self-respect again.

Bonding with Nathan.  It took a while to bond with him.  I am so grateful for the midwives that popped him in my bed with me for a snuggle to help him to breastfeed.  It was all that snuggling and sleeping near each other that brought the connection.  Now, even though he drains my energy, he gives me so much joy and unconditional love that sometimes just cuddling up to him or resting my hand on his head while he’s sleeping is the cure to a difficult day.  I try to enjoy the special moments we have when we laugh together and cuddle together and make them as frequent as possible.

Little things.  Adequate sleep, doing something I enjoyed (coffee, a book, sitting in the sun, going for a swim or a walk, going to a movie).  Getting out and about even though many days all I wanted to do was stay at home and hide.

Who did you talk to?

It’s worth noting that essentially I had post-natal depression for 9 months before I admitted it and got help so throughout that time, no one knew or understood or supported me besides the little bit of help I got from my GP or counsellor.  After seeing the GP and being formally diagnosed, I didn’t tell many people I had post-natal depression.  In the beginning, the only people who knew were my husband and my mother.  As time went by, I told a few more family members.  I told only two people from coffee-group – the two that I had felt most close to.  At the same time, I also told them I had separated from my husband (I had been keeping that from people too as I just didn’t want to deal with being the only single mother in my coffee group and wanted to pretend I was just like everyone else).  The two I told seemed very uncomfortable when I told them, and there was definitely an awkwardness.  They murmured “that’s terrible” and that was the end of it.  I did share the news with a couple of other friends, and it was a relief to be able to be honest with them since they’d had their own experience with depression.  But overall, the response was pretty inadequate and didn’t result in much understanding or practical help or a huge amount of support from those who knew of my circumstance.  I believe that most people don’t understand what you are going through and don’t know what to say or do that would be helpful.

What would you have liked to have had?

Health professionals being more active in getting me help and information.  Getting help sooner (going to the GP sooner and telling her my symptoms and being diagnosed earlier so that I could look at treatment). Having a counsellor that was more effective – the best thing my counsellor did was to strongly suggest I see a GP to discuss my symptoms.  Having people to talk to regularly who genuinely understood how I felt – that I could be honest and real with. Having regular practical help so that I didn’t feel so overwhelmed with my role as mother and housekeeper.  And being informed of help and resources that were out there.  During my pregnancy, being a health-professional with a previous depressive episode, I knew that I was at-risk of PND but despite my requesting help and resources from my midwife, she did nothing and because I didn’t know where else to go for help, inevitably I developed post-natal depression.

Perhaps I would have developed PND anyway, but I believe if I had adequate help and support from the very beginning – access to information, resources, practical support and so on – it’s possible it could have been prevented, or at the very least, treated earlier on and more effectively so that it did not rob me of some of the joy of those early months with Nathan – and it may not have had such a detrimental affect on my marriage.

It’s this experience that has motivated me to start Mothers Helpers.  Because I have worked in the Health and Education fields and because I have experienced this personally, I recognize the gaps that are there and what might help.  It is a personal passion that information, resources, practical and emotional support is made available to a mother who is struggling and at-risk.

 What’s your story?

The post Suffering in Silence: Kristina’s Story first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

This is the time of year where it’s good to look back and see all that has been accomplished.  Mothers Helpers registered as a Charity in May of this year so that we were official!  We also established three Board members:  Kristina Paterson (Chair), Amanda Donald (Treasurer) and Asha Ines.  We hope to nominate also Onur Yilmaz  to our Board who has a GM position with a large corporation and has been volunteering his expertise and help with things like recruitment, marketing, contacts and funding applications.  Amanda has been busy assisting with funding applications, administration, keeping of accounts and budget projections.  And Asha has been lending her time to our Networking meeting.  Kristina has been busy in overseeing the whole of Mothers Helpers including receiving and responding to referrals, visiting mothers and providing an assessment, referrals and follow-up as well as co-ordinating and recruiting our volunteers.  Our thanks to each of our Board members for the work that they do voluntarily and our congratulations to Amanda who had baby girl Cassidy Elaine at 3.9kg on 10th December!

I’d also like to acknowledge the following people for their help that they have offered to us voluntarily:

Karen Rouse – administration help earlier in the year and assisting with Charity registration

Erin Taylor – help with administration and work on the website

Alex Carter (Spruce Ltd) – graphic design help and designing the website virtually from scratch including all the bells and whistles that go with that!

Gavin McQuoid & Panprint Labels – supplying printing of 1000 brochures, 1000 fliers and 500 business cards free of charge!

Altezano Cafe – all coffee supplies for our “Mumspace Cafe” earlier in the year

Digital Spot Printing – printing of “Mumspace Cafe” fliers

West Wave Aquatic Leisure Centre supporting our “Mumspace Cafe”

Shore City Elim for providing a faithful volunteer for one of our mums

Lucy Reade (Life Coach) – for providing her services free of charge to all our volunteers in support of what we do

and the many others who volunteered their time, money and skills for the benefit of  “Mumspace Cafe” and “Mothers Helpers”

Special thanks to for all those who participated in the Networking Meeting ‘Mothers Helpers’ hosted for all those involved in ante-natal/post-natal maternity services from community agencies through to hospital services.  It was a very successful event and we look forward to future meetings so that we can improve our referral processes and our services to women and their families.

Our most important accomplishment of course, is the work that we have been able to do with our mums in assisting them recover from postnatal depression or preventing them from experiencing it through our practical help and support.  This was made possible because of every one of the volunteers, helpers and donators above.

Where to From Here?

In 2012 ‘Mothers Helpers’ hopes to start cafes in various locations around Auckland one day per week for each location where mums with postnatal depression or at-risk of postnatal depression can drop in for coffee, support and a chat.  We would like to be able to provide a free creche so mums can have some time out, a foodbank and clothing swap service, divorce recovery and parenting workshops and one-on-one assessments for those wanting practical help from ‘Mothers Helpers.’

We would also like to continue the work that we are doing providing at-risk mothers with adequate support.  In order to do this, we need to be successful with our funding applications, donations from those that are able to give to this cause, partnering churches to supply the venue and take up the opportunity to help mothers, and we need volunteers.

If you would like to help in any one of these areas above, please contact us.

Merry Christmas, God bless you and keep you safe over this holiday period,

Kristina Paterson

The post Newsletter from Mothers Helpers first appeared on Mothers Helpers.

In the article “The New Parent”, Dawn Gruen recognizes what is termed a “Postpartum Adjustment”. She writes: “With birth comes the transition to parenthood, often referred to as a developmental crisis for the parents. For them, the postpartum period is a time of emotional upheaval including rapid fluctuation and unpredictability of feelings. Everything is different and new, making it very difficult to know what is “normal”.”

Gruen identifies four areas of change that are challenging to both parents in terms of adjustment:

• Identity changes
• Feelings of loss (of your previous life/lifestyle)
• Time and energy changes
• The couple’s relationship changes

The area I want to address today is that of “identity.”

Becoming a mother for the very first time, creates in us a new identity as we take onboard this life-changing role. Quite aside from getting to know our baby and feeling comfortable and confident in having responsibility for this new little life, we are also psychologically coming to terms what we believe it means to be a “good mother”.

In my experience, there are two conflicts that occur. Perhaps it is the same for everyone? First, I have an internal ideal of what it means to be a “good mother”. My ideal may have been formed by a whole range of experiences of motherhood (usually key people in my life that have role-modelled motherhood to me) and how I’ve interpreted them. Internally I have processed my experiences and decided which ones I value and esteem to be like. Second, I have a range of health professionals, friends and family with their own set of ideals about what a “good mother” is and each of them (with good intentions) sharing those with us in the hope to guide us to be a better mother to our child. And let’s not forget the media and various other influences shaping our society’s culture by messages about what it means to be a mother.

The conflict occurs when my ideal (and values) and the guidance I’m receiving from others (based on their values) clashes with reality. The pressure I might place on myself or feel others are putting on me to live up to my (or their) ideals may cause me more harm than if I were to let it go.

Secondly, a conflict occurs when the guidance and advice I am receiving contradicts one another, causing confusion.

In speaking with mothers, the most common expectations and pressure they feel is regarding:

• breastfeeding vs. formula feeding
• keeping the house in order
• how “well” their baby was doing (eg. sleeping, feeding)
• parenting styles including “parentcare”
• staying at home vs. working

Here is what some mums are saying about expectations they had/pressure they felt:

“I had a lot of pressure put on me from my in-laws – they would try to go through [my husband] who would then ‘suggest’ different ways when I wanted to do it another way.

I had comments like ‘we won’t look after her until a bottle is involved’ (as I was breastfeeding) and when [my mother-in-law] would ring up the first thing she would ask every time is “is she sleeping through yet?” even when she was weeks old…!

…Apart from that no other pressure – [except] sometimes in coffee group when [my daughter] was not sleeping through and ALLLLL the other babies were…”

“I think my main expectations I put on myself – and most of them were very unrealistic! I had always intended on being a stay home mum and had the `ideal’ that I would be in my mind. As someone who had trained as a chef, my child was never going to have processed foods, but now some days I have to accept that the only thing she is going to eat is potato sticks. I love my coffee group and they never put pressure or expectations on me as such, but at the beginning I felt awkward going along as they all seemed to be handling every thing so well and my baby had reflux and colic and I had a nightmare starting breastfeeding. As soon as she got into full on cry at coffee group I would just leave.”

“One woman grabbed [my daughter] off me when she was a couple of weeks old and tried showing me how to burp her properly, for one this woman doesn’t have kids and two there wasn’t an issue with burping. Being told that she needs to be given a bottle by some, bf by others, she was too hot and I dressed her too warm, I should have had her in her own room from the beginning, it was all this crap that made me feel inadequate as a mother. I’m much stronger now and if I ever have another I will definitely tell people where to go if they tried that again.”

“I think the pressure was probably from me. Then me worrying how people perceived me and my not coping… I had expected it all to be easy and fall into place. I thought, because younger [daughter] was my 2nd child, it would be easy and all would be sweet as. Um, no! I was so wrong! 6 yrs is a huge gap and you don’t remember it all from first child with a 6 yr gap! Plus older child started being very badly behaved and new baby was very spilly. I did develop PND very severely. It is very different, having 1st child as a single mum and then having 2nd child with a partner and older child. So much more to contend with, so much more expected of you. It was a big shock to the system that things weren’t just easy peesy.”

“I think that I should be able to keep a clean house and have a good nutritious dinner on the table each night, this doesn’t happen all the time and I feel guilty about it. I think its because I’m not earning that I feel like I need to do something for [my husband] so I am “worthy” of being able to stay home while he has to work.”

“I think that my main problems were failing to meet my own expectations of myself as a mother… for one, I fully intended to go back to work full time when [my daughter] was 1, and then realised it wasn’t for me, took me a while to get over ‘abandoning my career’ even though I knew it was the right thing.”

“I also expected to have so much time to have a wonderfully tidy house, be able to exercise every day, cook lovely meals for my family and play with my baby… Okay so maybe I was a tad naive, but I did struggle with the realisation that it just wasn’t/isn’t possible for me to have that perfect tidy house, to exercise every day (I’m too damn tired and sleep deprived) and that cooking is a right horrible experience when you have a tired toddler or crying baby to deal with too!”

“I think a big contributor to PND is the difference between expectations and reality. The expectations I faced [were] generated by me, read stuff about people being able [to] give their baby expressed milk and have a day off, saw Mums getting back into sport with a newborn etc – this didn’t happen for me and the disappointment was crushing.”

“I think also from the stuff I read i got the self expectation that to raise I well adjusted child I had to basically glue myself to her 24/7. Felt massive guilt when she went to her room for sleep so could get some too.”

“I didn’t want to be that mother that hands the baby over to their dad the moment he walked in the door so if I do do that always feel a little guilty about it.”

“Luckily neither my boyfriend or our families have put any pressure on me about anything, but again, if I’m having a bad day I automatically start thinking…’they must think I’m so lazy not being able to do all these things’.”

“First time round I expected and it was expected of me that I would breast feed my baby. The fact that I couldn’t, put me into such a funk. I was in so much physical and emotional pain that when [my daughter] cried for another feed I thought about putting a pillow over her face so I wouldn’t have to put her to the breast. However, because of the pressure I received from midwives, mum, and myself I could see no alternative to breastfeeding. Thankfully one midwife snapped me out of it by telling me it was ok to bottle feed.”

“There is a huge pressure to breastfeed and I feel this is sometimes dangerous for the mental health of new mums.”

“Breastfeeding was the biggest pressure I had to deal with. Knowing all the benefits of breastfeeding, but being in such agony that tears would be streaming down my face while feeding her. The relief when I finally decided to give up and formula feed is indescribable. But it really annoys me that on every tin of formula, and even the MoH pamphlet on formula feeding, there is a ‘breast is best’ warning … just in case I wasn’t already feeling guilty enough!”

“I had a thought now that I’m working a bit and considering putting the kids into childcare. I fully expected that I would be a stay-at-home-mum and would enjoy it and be happy that my kids didn’t have to go into care. But you know what? I love going to work and getting some time out from the kids, its amazing. I really don’t think I’m cut out to be a full-time stay-at-home-mum. I definitely feel guilty about this.”

With these internal and external expectations on mothers, it seems to me that mothers respond in one of three ways:

1. they hold tightly to those ideals and try to live up to them, causing enormous pressure on themselves which can in turn bring tension to the family (whether that’s through fatigue, stress or resentment) or at a cost to their own mental health
2. let go not of the ideals themselves but of their attempt to meet some of them so that they are living more realistically but not without guilt
3. challenging some of the ideals with their reality and embracing “what works for them” as a family

The questions raised are:

“What does it say about me if I ask for help… if I say I can’t cope… if I don’t do everything [on my checklist]?”

“Haven’t I failed my baby if I cannot breastfeed? Failed as a mother if I can’t comfort her or settle her into a routine?”

As a first-time mother, during my pregnancy I made sure that I did everything they told me to do, read everything I could and never ate anything that could ever possibly harm my baby. Prior to his arrival, I scrubbed every inch of the house and made sure every possible item was bought, items laid out in preparation for his coming home. Perhaps there is no coincidence that mothers second, third or fourth time round are far more relaxed during their pregnancy and preparations? Perhaps it’s because they have gone through a process with their first child where they have accepted that nothing is perfect and nothing is ideal or really goes according to plan. Perhaps it’s because they are familiar with the challenges they are likely to face and so their expectations and reality are not at odds? Perhaps they have learned that whatever challenge might arise, they will find the best solution that works for their family. This might involve talking to a range of people – professionals through to family and friends, but ultimately they will arrive at what works for them.

We have our ideals for a reason: we want the best for our baby and for our husband/partner. However, it is simply nottrue that a “good mother always puts herself last.” A good mother factors in her own needs as well as the rest of the family’s. If striving to meet the ideal for her baby/family means that she is carrying stress and guilt and a sense of failure and fatigue and resentment – and ultimately is at a cost of her own personal mental health – then that cost is too great. Not only because of what it does to her, but also what it does to her family.

Perhaps it is true that a “good mother cares for her family…. and also cares for herself.”

I’ll leave you with a quote I really liked from one mother:

“This time around I don’t care what anyone else says we’ll be doing what works for us, after all in the end that’s what I have had to do already and we have a beautiful happy girl, so I must be doing something right.”

The post Expectations on Mothers first appeared on Mothers Helpers.